Friday, November 23, 2012

Not Surprising

We were discussing the Thanksgiving holiday with the girls and all the yummy foods we were making, when we got to gravy they looked confused.

L: what's gravy?

S: it's a topping you pour on turkey and mashed potatoes; its delicious

L& H still confused looking : but what does it look like?

S: it's brownish and liquidy

L&H both turned their confused face to a sort of disgusted look.

S: it looks like liquid poop.

Nice.  Needless to say they did not try the gravy.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Setting Good Examples....

Luckily it didn't work.....


HA! He is a funny man but this looks like a man who can't walk or a product of the lazy town we live in.  Either way H thought this was going to be a blast and I'm sure for months to come I will have to divert her from the mobilized wheel chair/cart.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Hippity Hop Hide

I certainly do not have to worry about my girls being tough.  Playing with Steve has caused them to be stronger than most kids twice their age.  This is one example of their toughness.

This adorable little playhouse was given to the girls by their uncle Rob years ago.  It has been a lifesaver!  they love it and use it all the time.  When we first got it Steve used plastic paint to give it a new look.  Time and Steve has caused that paint to chip.  It doesn't destroy the fun aspect though.
In this little game Steve takes the girls hippity hops and slams it against their house as they scream from inside.  As he hits the house, it shakes and the windows open and sometimes (the key to the game) the door flings open, along with paint. 

Once the door flings open he throws the hippity hop inside and like a pinball it flings all over the inside knocking the girls down until they manage to crawl out.

It is really funny and as most things with Steve, pictures do not even give the slightest insight to the chaos!




Thursday, October 4, 2012

No Words for These Words

It's my time of the month and during this time I just want to lay around watching bad TV and eating junk food.  What woman doesn't?  Give us a break for a few days a month!

So I'm enjoying my quiet time watching Burlesque, yes that cheesy movie with Christina and Cher, but the singing and costumes are so fun!

Suddenly I hear this little voice come out of nowhere.

H: Momma?  What are you doing?
K: Watching TV, relaxing.
H: Daddy says your watching dirty TV

Eyes burning and about to pop out of my eyes.  I walk her back upstairs and of course he's giggling when I ask him.

So while I was up there I went to the bathroom to take care of some girlie business.  Once again H sneaks up on me and I ask her to leave for a minute.

H: why Momma?
K: it's just woman stuff
S: Get out unless you want to sky rocket to puberty.

I look at him and he starts laughing because what he said really didn't even make much sense but H was staring up at him ready to pounce with questions and certainly the wrong pronunciation of puberty.

Before this could start he dodges a bullet by asking her to show him where the skittles are.   IT'S 10:00 AT NIGHT!  EVERYONE GET TO BED!

All I could think was thank GOD they don't have school tomorrow.... 

Thursday, September 20, 2012

A Day with Daddy

Now that I am working again, the girls spend more time with Daddy.  All of the things they do are fun but not all the things they do are safe.

I'm convinced that men don't truly think of the consequences therefore the women come off as nags because we think of all the ways certain scenarios can go wrong.

First is spray painting the dog house.  I get a little paranoid about the girls ingesting all the spray paint fumes but I'm probably just being a nervous Nelly.  This is in honor of Aunt Tammy who was a die-hard spirited girl in high school and these (red, white and black) were our school colors.

 

Next is mowing the lawn.  This is fine also.  I don't think anything can really go wrong here aside of one being flung off since he likes to drive fast, cut corners quickly for laughs and let them actually drive.


 
 
 
Lastly is the fort.  When I walked in the room I did think how fun Steve is but I knew it wouldn't end well.  Before I even got the words out he shushed me.
 
 


I walked out of the room telling myself he is more than capable of handling his own kids and I need to calm down.  I then heard, "NO H, you can't stand on top of the bed!"  And then the fort was taken apart.

I just walked down the hall smiling to myself.

OH I forgot to add how he put them to bed.  It's nothing to complain about I just think it's funny all the books in her bed, ha-ha.




Saturday, August 18, 2012

This is Embarrassing

I'm embarrassed to write this but it is funny.  So funny that when I tried to yell at Steve I kept laughing because I can't believe what an idiot he is sometimes, and I mean that lovingly. 

We were playing memory with the girls (using the candy land cards which is a great idea- the chances of getting a match are higher and they are too young to focus on the actual candy land game).

OK I'm digressing.  We make a big high-fiving deal every time someone gets a match; like a big team high-five, well dumba** thought the girls weren't looking so he high-fived my chest.

I looked at him like he was an idiot.  I didn't think the girls saw until the next match was found and H high-fived my chest.

How am I going to explain this at school?

H to teacher: when we do something great at home we high-five Mommy in her boobies.

Steve's justification is that I should be flattered after all these years together he is still doing things like this....

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Have you Seen a Cuter Scene?

I love walking in on moments like this....

I'm so glad my pit bull is vicious and on the verge of being banned and that my husband is uninvolved in my girls lives.


I really have to hang around for another game of Memory before I get to attack you again....boring!


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Bad Mommy

Well that Stevie got one over on me again. 
During a very stressful morning he thought he would lighten the mood with a good ol' pantsing.
Didn't work.
I, without a thought and quick as lightening, back-handed him in the face.
Normally this wouldn't bother me or him since he is the one gambling.
But on this particular morning I was scrambling to get the girls ready for school so they both witnessed it.
EYES WIDE with shock they yelled a stern "MOMMY NO HITTING!"
Steve, of course, played this up like he was hurt.
Weasel.
So I had to tell them they were right and what a bad Mommy I was for hitting and no one should hit and I broke the rules and many I'm sorrys and I need a time out and blah blah blah.
Well played Steve, well played.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

What is a Trash Can?

I must be confused because when I went to get my laundry basket I found it in the closet.
Not so unusual but instead of clothes being in there I found trash.
Steve was cleaning and instead of getting an actual trashcan he grabbed the laundry basket.
I'm pretty sure he found this basket in the bathroom next to an actual trashcan.

Monday, July 9, 2012

The Supervising Doesn't End Today


I thought maybe, just maybe this was the night all manner of supervising my husband with the girls might end.   We have a heavy bag that hangs in the garage; great stress reliever.  The girls like to punch it and apparently hang on it.

I usually don’t find out about these types of shenanigans until someone gets hurt so when I came home tonight and L started spilling the beans, Steve looked at me and said everyone is fine but I won’t be doing that again.

Doing what again?

Letting them hang onto the heavy bag chains and wrap their legs around the body and spin it.

WHAT?

L went flying off.  Luckily she landed on the ground with grace and didn’t get hurt.

So that is why I will continue to worry about them when he watches them….haha!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

My Cool Pool, His Cool Pool

I need to spruce up the fun for the kids once in a whil; for both my enjoyment and laughter as well as theirs so I created this little puddle of fun....


Just your typical ghetto fabulous backyard blow up pool with the slide gym stuck inside.  They would go flying down the slide and loved every minute of it.  Safe and sturdy; no harm to be found...until Steve came along.

Notice where the galvanized pail went that was originally gathering toys in the top picture.  He put 2 pails under the triangular base.  He said it made it more interesting.  He only had to catch H once as she was dangling off the ladder while L balanced on the slide to keep everything from tipping over.  Is that a slight exaggeration?  Most likely not but seeing as I had a panic attack when I walked outside and saw this death trap there might be a slight exaggeration in there....SLIGHT!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Big Butt Continues

I've posted on this topic before, ya know how Steve taught the girls to sing, "Mommas got a big ol' butt oh yeah." 
It has been an interesting experience this song.  I get looks of disgust, of laughter, or shock. Most men find it amusing as if this is a great way to get your wife to trim down.  The brilliance of using your adorable children to translate the message.
It didn't really bother me until recently. Why? Well, you know how kids like to mix things up to be silly?
Well, this is not the song to do that with.  And the more Steve laughs, uncontrollably mind you, the more the girls get on going.
Here are some versions and you will quickly see why this song needs to stop.
  • Mommas got a big ol' stick in her butt
  • Mommas got a train in her ol' butt
  • Mommas got a big ol' Daddy in her butt
This really isn't funny esp when the neighbors or teacher hear.  We look like one twisted, kinky family. This is one of his better "I didn't realize what would happen" creations.
Nice one Steve....damn-it.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Hippity Hop Dodge

Remember these..

They are hysterical!   The girl's Aunt Tammy sent them to them and they rock them daily.  I especially love sending them out front in the wide open space to get all the last minute wiggles out.  Tonight, however, Steve took hippity hops to a whole new level.

The girls are clumsy enough on them because for one they are difficult to bounce on for first timers and they are also just a hair too short for them so they are forever rolling forward.

L is the funniest because she doesn't seem to display that caution instinct most others are born with.  I'm pretty sure that is due to the crazinss in which Steve plays with them.

Anyway this evening he picked one up and tossed it in the air.  It landed....on L.  I held my breath to see what the outcome was.  A trip to the hospital.  A wailing child.  An injury.   Low and behold laughter filled the neighborhood and so it began.

I sat on the porch and let the tears roll down my face as the tossed the balls at the girls.  We decided the direct landing on the head wasn't very smart but the ones that landed behind and right in front of them were hysterical.  The girls went flying in every direction and it only took a few good fumbles before they learned to zig-zag and dodge.

It was almost 9:00 before I realized it and I encountereda rough battle of rallying the girls up for bed.

This is definitely going on the list of "how to tire out your kids before bed" list.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

TV Hoarder

Is he a hoarder?  I love this man because he is super quirky.  He wants things clean but then he takes stuff left and right from people so he can fix it up or because it isn't trash; or so he thinks.  He also loves TV so there are TVs in every room of the house except our daughters bedrooms.  There is even a TV in the bathroom and kitchen.  A few summers ago he had a TV on the deck.  That was kind of cool though.
But this morning as he was ranting and raving about all the junk in the garage so he took some left over wood and built a fence.  This fence, inside the garage, is strictly for the girls toys.  Pretty brilliant, I will give him that.






Now back to my original question and the conversation of TVs. As I'm moving the girls stuff into the fenced area I noticed that there are 6 TVs in the garage...SIX...6. All old school. I told him to toss them and he would have plenty of room but he said no they are all good. Whatever, his garage, but seriously how old are these things!?


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Toilet Paper


Oh DIS I have missed you.  Funny, I didn't even realize what the acronym of this site spelled but how appropriate!  Steve has certainly done some pretty dumb if not hilarious stuff lately (actually he has said more than done) but I have been so busy that I have been nothing but neglectful of this lovely piece of work.

The picture below says it all.  Please take note of where the trash can is, the new roll and the old rolls; it's all within reach.



Thursday, March 22, 2012

It's Always Ball in the House

I never sleep in even though I LOVE it but yesterday I was so exhausted that I refused to get up.  Steve took the girls downstairs and kept them entertained. 
How? You ask.
Well I heard lots of giggles and cups being knocked over.  I was smiling at the sound of happiness until it dawned on me that we don't have as many balls as what sounded like were being thrown to knock these pins aka cups down so I headed downstairs.
They were using grapefruits....

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I have Nothing to say About This....


OK that's not true, I do have something to say.  When I came home and saw this I shook my head and was about to get annoyed when I realized at least he put more butter in the dish after he finished it.  Next step, how to properly put butter in a butter dish.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Throwing Game

The other day I had an appointment and came home to the girls running around dodging Daddy.  He plays this game with them where he will sit on the couch and they will run around and he will chuck the couch pillows at them, not toss but literally the object is to knock them over.
OK well this time he was throwing balls at them.  I assumed they were their little foamy balls but no it was a plastic golf ball.  He accidentally hit me and it stung so bad as I immediately flung a glare at him.  There was a red mark on my head; I can't imagine what kind of imprint it will leave on the girls.
They laugh hysterically when they get hit.  My thought is they don't really feel it with all the adrenaline they have surging threw them!
"Steve, do you really think it is smart in any way to teach them to chuck things, especially hard things, at each other?"
Honestly, how is this story going to end???
I'm waiting....
And of course I'll let you know.

Monday, March 12, 2012

The Log

I'm trying to get some work done when L walks in and asks me if I've seen H's log?  H's Log?  What are you talking about?  She says her poop log!  So I walk into the bathroom and sure enough she is pooping away.  They must have been discussing it because there is a chair in there along with a roll of toilet paper wrapped in a ball. L explained to me I was going to need it for such a big log. 
Yes, sure enough there is quite a log in the toilet.
H gets up and assumes the usual postion for me to wipe and L says eww there's a turd, which there wasn't.  Then she says how gross she is and runs off.
I'm not really sure why L is calling H gross when she is the master pooper.
I'm pretty sure all these poop, log and turd conversations are a result of their Daddy.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Hanger

As Steve was getting ready for work I told him I was feeling very anxious.  He asked the standard why?  (he can usually help me work it out) I said I'm sure it's not the main reason but this house is a mess.  As I am saying this he steps on a hanger and instead of picking it up he kicks it behind him.
I just looked at him and said most adults would have picked it up.
He instantly started laughing and I just shook my head and walked away proving my point without saying a word.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Drinking From the Carton

I came around the corner this morning and was able to capture this.  She was helping me get the morning milk. Need I say anything else? ERG

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Momma's got a big ol' butt

It seems as though this story deserves a spot on damn-it Steve.  As I was walking the girls into pre-school a few weeks ago they were singing, clear as glass, "Momma's got a big ol' butt, ahh yeah!"  How embarrassing as I didn't realize they knew that song.
Luckily they have very cool teachers.
That was a few weeks ago and I forgot all about it until they went with my sister to pick up their cousins and continued with the singing but added things like belly, head, foot.
Some songs really should not be taught to 3 year olds esp ones that go out in public often.
Until LL starts singing about kids, keep him to the keg parties.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day

I wasn't sure whether to put this post in Damn-it Steve or here so you can decide.  Another holiday where every Mother, it seems, is on her game with super-duper homemade cards attached with homemade candy and personalized shirts for their kid to wear to school.  Gag!  Oh don't get me wrong I want to be that Mom but ain't no way it's happening.  I was happy with the fact that my girls signed (first initial only) all their Valentines for their class mates. 
I did get the girls some treats, not much just a simple box/basket and filled it with some heart shaped candy and stickers.  I got them all set up and put them away in the laundry room to give to them today.  So last night I told Steve keep an eye on the girls while I run upstairs for a minute.  I guess about 15 minutes later I come down and the girls are unwrapping their lollipops and putting their stickers on Steve.  UGH!  I snatched everything back up and put them back where they belonged. 
Seriously how did I sneak all this stuff into the cart at the store without them seeing, make it home, unpack yadda yadda and in 15 minutes it's all undone.  I guess it's my fault for not telling him I hid their very obvious Valentine’s Day baskets in the dark laundry room.
OK I calm down and tell the girls it's time to get ready for bed when I notice stickers on the side table.  This annoys me because that is a big rule.  I hate trying to peel the sticky tacky tape crap off of furniture.  I ask the girls if they remember the rules and what they are.  They do and insist that neither one did it.  I look at Steve for back up and see it all over his face.  DAMN-IT STEVE!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Damn-it Steve: Flashback, May 2010

Damn-it Steve: Flashback, May 2010: Pulled out of my journal... Steve had to get the girls today at 2:00 because Kara wanted to see her daughter run in a track meet. I could...

Monday, January 30, 2012

Flashback, May 2010

Pulled out of my journal...

Steve had to get the girls today at 2:00 because Kara wanted to see her daughter run in a track meet. I couldn't take off so that left Steve.  Between 2:00 and when I came home at 5:00 Steve painted the girls toes and being a guy he doesn't know how to do that well so there is hot pink polish on toes, skin and clothes and apparently he let them paint his toe...I hid the remover.  He also taught them how to blow spit bubbles.  DO you have any idea how disgusting that is!?  On command he can make the lip smacking muah sound and like clock work the girls start making the same sound and creating spit bubbles that they think is hysterical and then they try to pop them.    Spit bubbles are disgusting esp coming from a toddler since all that happens is nasty drooling.  Apparently he didn't show this next thing to H but I have my doubts.  She can let spit slip out of her mouth and suck it back in before it falls.  YUCK again and again.  I'm not sure what else occurred in that small window but I'm sure it's nothin' good!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

When He's on, He's on

When Steve is in charge of the girls he gets very creative.  I remember 10 years ago leaving him with my nephew.  My sister and I said we would only be gone 10 minutes, he should be fine.  Well of course in those moments alone little C pooped!  Not knowing how to tackle a poopy diaper he took the diaper off, grabbed a paper plate and set his butt on there so poop wouldn't get anywhere.  Smart since he didn't know how to hold with one hand and wipe with the other!  As a father, he became a master diaper changer I will say.  Now with a little girl who wears princess dresses, dressy dresses or any kind of dress she can get on he has stumbled into another pickle.  How to help her pee without letting her dress touch the water....pull it over her head.  She does it every time now!  Nice one Steve!




Sunday, January 22, 2012

Let the Pictures tell this Story

I work from home now which means I need to sneak into our home office whenever possible and the best times to do that is when Daddy is home.  My girls are a tiny wild and tough but in this crazy world I really want them to be...tough not wild.  Anyway the photos below explain how they became this way.





He is literally tossing them and they are loving it.  Meanwhile I am just waiting for an injury.  Of course the injuries will only happen on my protective watch! 

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Worse than poop Words

After writing the post on Steve and his lovely poop songs I realized, thanks to KKS, that I do need to lighten up a bit.  Although singing and using poop words is inappropriate it is very entertaining and the laughter that comes from them over rules all else. With that said I think I need to draw the line at the following 3 comments.  Now before I list them I must tell you that this all happened before he left for work at 9:30 and we didn’t even get up until shortly after 8.
  1. after the dogs had a wrestling match, one dog humped the other dog as a sign of dominance whatever happens all the time.  Steve proclaims, "lick her in the front poke her in the rear!"  This was immediately followed by L saying, "lick her in the rear!"
  2. reminding the girls to wipe only from front to back Steve says, " front to back but don't touch the sac."
  3. And lastly after I gave him a look of death for the constant foot in the mouth he tells me "cool your jets Momma."
I'm not too sure how long this man is going to live.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Poop and Other Lovely Words

I, more often than I feel I should, have the conversation with Steve that he has to watch his mouth around the girls and act more like a father/role model and not a big brother.  Just this morning I shot him a look as the girls were giggling.  His response, before my head was even turned all the way towards him, was "I know.  I just can't help it."  This was after he was singing some sort of poop song while we were eating breakfast.  He was even  all dressed up and ready for work.  I don't know if that should matter but typically people tend to act in accordance to how they are dressed?? No?  The look on his face was remarkable because he looked genuinely concerned that he has no control over the words that come out of his mouth.  As if some little man lives inside him and just blurts words out.  He looks...truly...baffled.  Amazed that we even have these conversations.  Amazed.

Monday, January 9, 2012

No Throwing Balls in the House

Before I left the career world to stay home with my girls we were able to afford a cleaning lady.  She would come once a week and I would step into my home and feel a wonderful calmness rush over me, and I was happy.  As with most families the rules are many but one usually tops the list; don't throw balls in the house.  Well, I came home and asked S what happened to the yellow vase I loved that typically sat on the shelf in the kitchen?  This was a special vase to me.  It was cheap but a little old lady I adored gave it to me so the value was untouchable.  He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about.  Hmmm very suspicious.  One- he isn't a good liar and two- he acts like a boy.  Well well well.  Look who is still here cleaning.  The cleaning girl totally ratted him out.  Him and the girls were not throwing bouncy balls or rubber balls or even tennis balls.  They were throwing golf balls.
 END. OF. STORY.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Peeing in the Tubby

L rushed to the bathroom to pee with H a few steps behind.  As I was helping L I looked over at H who was making her way into the tubby.  I asked her what she was doing and she told me since L was on the potty she was going in the tubby.  WHAT? Eww!  Flashback walking in on Steve and the girls.  Horror as he was holding H over the tub because L was on the toilet.  She quickly reminded me that is what Daddy does.  Damn-it Steve!

after thought- some comments (on FB) I've been getting on this post made me realize I was NOT clear in my wording.  Steve DOES NOT pee in the tubby- he holds whatever girl doesn't make it to the potty over the tubby when they both desperately need to go.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Do you Pants your Spouse?

Do you pants your wife? Spouse?  Kids? Parents? Friends?  Well my husband pantses me on a daily basis.  Usually not in public but he thinks because we own the yard that it isn't public.  I would have to say our neighbors disagree, as do I.  Mostly though it is in the house for his own enjoyment.   A full basket of clothes in my hands.  As soon as I get dressed.  While I am washing the dishes so I can't grab them or pull them back up quick enough. .  Him and the girls laugh at underwear Mommy doing the dishes.  The worst is when I have the draw string tied and he doesn't realize it and my knees buckle.  This has, more than once, caused me to fall to the ground.  He made the mistake of pantsing me twice in one day.  A quick open hand to the face took him back a step.  I told him loud and clear that crosses the line buddy.   You would think he would learn quick but nope, he took a few hits to the face before he limited himself.   Over the years he has taken it back to only a few times a week since the girls started pantsing me.  How humiliating?!  Now he does it randomly when he kids and neighbors aren't looking.  One of these days he will grow up and stop doing it all together but the laughter that follows every single one is a gift I will not take from him...just yet.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Shut Up Shut Up Shut Up

I wanted to incorporate stories about my lovely third child, Steve AKA my husband but didn't want it to take over my new2two so I created this blog, Damn-it Steve!
I really wanted to name this blog "shut up shut up shut up" because of a funny story but it was taken.  It then dawned on me that my favorite phrase is probably "Damn it Steve!" 
I came home from running errands one day, about a year or so ago, the girls were only 2 and he told me he knows what I do when we get of the phone with each other.  I said, innocently but nervous, "what?"  He then proceeded to tell me that L was pretending to be on the phone with him and when she said good bye she closed the phone (it was one of our old flip phones she uses) and slammed it on the table repeatedly saying just as fast "shut up shut up shut up!"

Hmmm I guess he's right, I should be more cautious.  That was a year ago and nothing has changed.  They are 3 now and really repeating things.  Ugh New years resolution: Watch MY Mouth!